This year has been insane in regards to my personal life. The darkest valley of my days thus far I would say. You know you're scraping the bottom when you despair. It's such a horrid emotion. Doubts about God have caused most of the fog in my life. He's always been the one I hang onto for dear life in hard times. So when I despair and doubt and wonder if God is real and if He really loves me and such its a nasty undercurrent that pulls me down and knocks me about. When hope is down it's darn hard to get up and fight on. I had such a night last night.
Today I was reading one of the books I'm working my way through. Jennifer Rothschild in Self Talk, Soul Talk says there are four essential areas of life we stand on: Physical, Mental, Emotional and Spiritual. And she likens it to a table. When one leg is loose and out of whack, the whole table gets wobbly. I've been feeling many wobbles in all these areas this year. I've only begun to see some light in this darkness recently as I've begun to seek God again in this thick fog. It's hard when there are still many doubts and mistrusts. Last night the doubts were unwelcomely invading my mind. Fighting is exhausting. The chapter today talked about the spiritual "leg" being the weight bearing leg and how we need to hope in God. She said to choose hope. Choosing hope is a difficult choice but not choosing it is to choose despair by default. Tell your soul to look up...something broader, someone bigger, somewhere better.
I paused to ponder the appropriate timing of reading this chapter for my life. Seems to happen often. Then I suppose I decided to hope. To believe that God really is here with me and actively helping me. Leading me to read the right book at the right time. I also thought of a verse that has been giving me hope... Psalm 23:4 "Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will not be afraid for you are right beside me..." Through. Through the darkest valley. Implying that there's a coming out the other side. Where is God? Not miraculously making me appear on a mountain or even a platau. What would I gain from that? No, He longs for me to grow and be better and stronger and have more faith and hope. He wants me to make this journey. He allows me to go through this valley because in the long run it will benefit me. But He surely doesn't leave me to it. He's right beside me, walking with me, seeing me through.